Gouging out Prince Charming’s Eye

February 29, 2016

**Language present. Because Self Defense discussions shouldn't be cleansed**

 

You enter your first WOMEN’S SELF DEFENSE seminar. Groupon saved you 60% and you’re feeling like a couponing bad ass.

 

 

The lesson tells you to TAKE YOUR SAFETY INTO YOUR OWN HANDS.  And use those same hands to gouge out some archetypal villain. Purse Snatcher, Burglar turned rapist, serial killing killer.­

 

Use those thumbs, press into the eyes- it only takes 8 pounds of pressure to pop an eyeball like a juicy grape.

Cool. Except for a few things….

 

FIRST. The 8 pound of pressure idiom is martial arts bullshit. If you’re still using it, please stop. Talk to myth busters or sport science, or any science really.

 

SECOND. Heads aren’t gonna stay still like your lovable Sensei Sam demonstrates so poppin’ brains like a B horror movie is less likely than Master Ken eludes.

 

THIRD What if the villain is the boy you like? The really hot guy from your office? The dude you’ve been dating and would have slept with next week? His pretty blues are gonna be a lot harder to skewer with your manicured nails.

I could look it up, but don’t feel like it, often our assailants are people we know. People we’ve liked. People we love. That makes harming them much more difficult than a smelly, pit stained old guy with a T-shirt disclosing, “I molest kids.”

 

So lets talk about Prince Charming – Who may actually be a raping sociopath, or more realistically a dude with a history of violence who puts his hands on you after an argument about dishes.

 

I offer 3 pieces of advice.

 

1. If you have been a victim of any cycle of abuse, find an advocate, therapist, support group, trusted loved one to help you understand your triggers, habits and patterns so you don’t inadvertently seek out a harmful partner.

 

2. Trust your gut. That feeling is not make-believe or magic. It’s your brain noticing micro-expressions, inconsistencies, and odd behavior that is warning you. YOU DON’T FEEL SCARED IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS. You just don’t. You ARE worth leaving any relationship you have a bad feeling about. You aren’t imagining it. That look that scared you, it was there you didn’t imagine it. Don’t finish the dinner. You don’t owe him shit.

 

3. If he attacks you anyway…you can leave those pretty eyes alone if you need to. Hit anywhere. Do anything. Scream F!!K YOU as loud as you need to in order to remember who the hell you are. You are not his god damned princess. You are the damn QUEEN. AND NO ONE PUTS THEIR HANDS ON THE QUEEN.

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